


I'm Better For The Smile You Give

by mcgarrygirl78



Category: The West Wing
Genre: Alternate Universe, Children, Drama, F/M, Family, Friendship, Humor, Hurt/Comfort, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-02-09
Updated: 2007-02-09
Packaged: 2019-05-31 03:54:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 18,009
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15111263
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mcgarrygirl78/pseuds/mcgarrygirl78
Summary: That tiny connection sent the temperature rising in the vehicle...CJ asked if she could crack the window.





	I'm Better For The Smile You Give

**Author's Note:**

> A copy of this work was once archived at National Library, a part of the [ West Wing Fanfiction Central](https://fanlore.org/wiki/West_Wing_Fanfiction_Central), a West Wing fanfiction archive. More information about the Open Doors approved archive move can be found in the [announcement post](http://archiveofourown.org/admin_posts/8325).

The crowd started to make their way to the door as the meeting ended. CJ helped Dr. Keyworth and a few others move chairs back where they belonged. It was definitely better than sitting in the parking lot crying; which she had been doing lately. Something had to give.

“Hey CJ.”

She turned around and looked at Leo. For a moment, her mind worked to remember his last name but she never knew it. Maybe she would ask him one of these days; she’d seen him once a week for a year.

“I didn’t think you were here tonight.” She said, going back to chair shuffling.

“I was running late; I hung out on the fringes. I heard your story and it moved me.”

“We all have one…stories, I mean.”

“Yeah. Um, I was going to grab some coffee and a bite to eat. Do you want to join me?”

“What?” she stopped moving and started listening.

“Do you want to get coffee?” he repeated.

“Now?”

“I'm available on Sundays and Tuesdays too. I figured since we were both here, why not.”

“Leo…”

“I'm not trying to put the moves on you, I swear, I just thought you mentioned once you liked coffee. If you're not up for it, I understand completely. Maybe next week or something. Goodnight CJ.”

He went to walk away but she stopped him.

“Tell me your last name.” she said.

“McGarry.” He raised his eyebrow. What was she getting at?

“I should've known you were Irish.”

“I don’t know how to take that one.”

“You get to know me better and you will. Coffee sounds nice.”

“Great. The Coffee Bean is right up the block if you don't mind walking in the rain.”

He helped her with the last of the chairs before they made their way to the exit.

“Its actually one of my favorite things.” A hint of a smile broke through her usual solemn exterior.

“I guess if I knew you better I would know that too.”

“Yeah.”

He grabbed his big black umbrella and did a lousy job of helping her into her wool and sable coat. Leo colored a bit at his sudden inefficiency but CJ took it all in stride, suggesting she carry the umbrella.

“Why?” Leo asked.

“Because I'm at least six inches taller than you and that way I won't have to crouch my way to the Coffee Bean.”

He handed it over, not sure what else to say. He hoped she would not notice the significant height difference and he didn’t want to bring it up in case it was something she was sensitive about. It was obvious she was quite tall…CJ towered over almost everyone in the room. Though Leo was well aware he was a bit short for a man, she was definitely tall.

“I've been six feet tall since I was 15. I'm almost 35 now…I have more to be concerned about.”

They were outside now and though she tired to avoid it, CJ slipped her arm through the crook of his elbow. Walking in the steady rain without touching under an umbrella was impossible. CJ decided she didn’t even want to try. The Coffee Bean wasn’t too crowded and they got a table near the window so she could watch the world go by. She decided to try their Kenyan roast and Leo told her nothing was better than the coffee cake muffin warmed with butter. She got one of those too.

For a while, they were quiet; seemed awkward in each other’s presence. The store’s PA radio played Gloria and she couldn’t help but sing along under her breath.

“So, you're that type of woman, huh?” he asked.

“What type?”

Their coffee and muffins arrived; CJ thanked the server.

“The type who has to sing a song she loves no matter where she is when it plays. You mutter in supermarkets and on the train…people may walk away from you.”

CJ let out a loud guffaw, covering her mouth.

“Oh my God, I'm so sorry.”

“I'm not. That was nice, and unexpected.”

“Simon used to call it my donkey laugh. I never knew why but it made me smile. When he said it, it was never mean. You know?”

“I do. So, it was three years ago Monday?”

“Yeah. I definitely hope you don’t want to talk about that. I really don’t.”

“That’s fine. I just…I want to talk.” He said.

“You ever get tired of grieving?” she asked.

“I get tired from grieving. Alex has been gone for almost ten years.”

“She had cancer right?”

“Leukemia. We did everything we could but it was not meant to be.”

“Was she your only child?”

“I have another daughter, Mallory. Libby is your daughter right?”

“My angel.” CJ replied.

“So we have to get ourselves together for them.”

“That’s what I'm doing.”

“No.” he shook his head. “Please, I don’t want to offend you because from what I know you seem like a wonderful person. This group is crushing you. It makes you relive what happened to Simon every week.”

“What would you have me do? Sit in my room and cry?”

“Of course not. I've decided not to go anymore; its time to move on. I need to celebrate my child’s life and my own.”

“Why did you invite me here?”

“I've seen this change in you over the past year. I don’t know you well CJ, and I'm not going to pretend to, but your eyes have changed. I think you come to these meetings to hold onto something and you shouldn’t.”

They were silent again. CJ looked out of the window as she sipped coffee and ate her muffin. Leo was right, it was delicious. Dammit, now that one more thing she would be addicted to. As if she needed another reason to be constantly strapped to her treadmill.

“So, what do you suggest Dr. McGarry?” she finally asked.

“Live a little. Just try it and tell me what you think.”

“So you want me to live a little and you get to keep wallowing?”

“I just don’t want you to end up like me CJ. I hardly talk to my one daughter because the death of another almost destroyed me. I see a light in you and it should never be snuffed out.”

“You're not dead Leo.” She said. “If I do this, you do this. How dare you ask me to go out on a limb alone?”

Leo smiled and CJ did too.

“That right there; I want that.”

“What?” he asked.

“I want that grin. In six months I want that grin.”

“I have no idea what you're talking about.”

Tonight was probably the second time in a year CJ saw the man grin. 52 meetings and 2 smiles was pretty pathetic. Of course, the things they discussed were not usually conducive to shits and giggles. Maybe Leo was right. As year three started, it wasn’t as if CJ didn’t notice the changes in herself. She didn’t cry herself to sleep anymore. There was more laughter in her life as she opened her heart and arms to loved ones again. She could look at pictures or video of her dead husband and fondly remember instead of do her best to forget. 

The tide was turning and the group usually brought her down instead of up. What once was a need turned into a want. But who in their right mind would want to feel like she had since Simon was murdered? CJ joined the support group to gather the strength to move on. It looked like now was the time.

“We can do it if we stick together Leo. If you refuse you have no right to tell me how to live my life.”

“OK.” He sighed. “I'm skipping next week. I tried tonight but I have an addictive personality and couldn’t do it. Are you with me?”

“Well, I would have to do something else or feel enormous guilt. Once a Catholic, always a Catholic.”

“Tell me about it. We can go to a movie, if you want.”

“What's playing?”

“The Tower in Brooklyn has classics Thursdays. This month features Alfred Hitchcock films.”

“I love Alfred Hitchcock.” She said.

“I remember you said that once. I don’t know what's playing but…”

“I don’t care. It’s a date.”

“Well actually…” Leo sputtered.

“Oh, don’t kill me with semantics McGarry.” CJ rolled her eyes. “You know what I mean. C’mon, eat some of this muffin. I don’t want to scarf it all by myself.”

***

“Mommy lets make cocoa before the movie.”

Five-year-old Elizabeth came into the kitchen in socked feet. CJ immediately put out her cigarette, smiling at her child. She had her father’s blue eyes and her mother’s auburn hair and winning smile. CJ thought she was the most beautiful thing she had ever seen from the moment she was born.

“Cocoa?”

“With whipped cream mommy. Do we have any?”

“I think so. Why don’t you tell me about your day sweetie?”

“I had pizza for lunch at school. Oh, and Kelly Michaels barfed.”

“That doesn’t sound very pleasant.”

“Nope.” Libby turned up her nose.

CJ helped her onto a stool where she sat on her feet.

“I took daddy’s badge to school for show and tell.”

“You did?”

She put the kettle on, grabbing the cocoa from the top cabinet.

“What did you say?”

“That my daddy was a hero and he’s in heaven now with the angels. He watches over us, and grandma, but I wish he were still here. Grandma says everybody has a time to go but we will be together again. When mommy?”

“When what?”

“When am I going to see daddy again?” she asked.

“Libby, I wish I had the answers to all of your questions.”

“Don’t you?”

“No. I can tell you how to spell words, teach you to ice skate and make sure you know all of Simon and Garfunkel’s songs, but some things are beyond me.”

“Do you believe in heaven?”

God, CJ thought, she even tilted her head to the side when she asked questions. That was pure Simon.

“I do. And I know daddy watches over all of us. I just think we need to…nevermind.”

“Are you OK mommy?”

“Yes. I'm having cocoa and Friday movie night with my favorite girl. How could I not be? Do you have a movie in mind?”

“Fantasia!”

Libby threw her hands up in joy and her mother laughed. They had seen Fantasia over thirty times but it never seemed to bore her.

“Disney it is. So, tell me more about today.”

She listened as Libby talked about telling time and impressing her teacher with reading aloud. She talked about the trip they would be taking to the science museum and her excitement for Sesame Street Live with her grandmother next week. CJ hoped wherever Simon was he was hearing this and smiling. She was the bright spot in CJ’s currently dim life. It would not always be this way but she had Libby to bring her a joy that nothing had since Simon died. The couple didn’t have enough time together but it was enough to create her. That was a blessing and a miracle.

***

“Preston is an idiot, plain and simple. I'm not wasting my time talking about him but I will say I'm through cleaning up his messes.”

“Here here.”

CJ and Nora held up their glasses and then drank. It was Tuesday and they were doing their weekly lunch at Joe Allen. The cold snap hadn't let up as March came in but they were warm inside the restaurant. CJ and Nora worked for CBA, the pay cable station. The former was Assistant Director of Public Relations and Media; the latter Assistant Director of Advertising and Marketing. They were both fiercely proud of what they did…approaching 35, they worked the jobs of their dreams.

CJ and Nora had known each other since their early 20s when they were graduate students at Berkeley. While they weren't best friends, they ran in the same circle and knew each other well. How surprised was CJ when her best friend Toby told her about the new woman in his life…the one who finally understood him. CJ and Nora's first New York hug started a closeness that only strengthened over the past seven years. 

Nora helped CJ through the serious rough patches after Simon’s death. Who even knew if she would have been able to get out of bed without her? CJ owed her so much but Nora didn’t feel that way at all. What were best friends for if not that?

“So, I thought I would tell you that I've decided to stop going to the support group.” CJ said.

“Really? Why?”

“I don’t know. Leo and I talked about it last week and we both think it is time to move on. The group is supposed to be a help, not something to hold us in the clutches of our grief.”

“I can agree with that. So what was Leo’s grand suggestion?”

“To move on…see where life takes us?”

“Us?”

“We’re going to do it together. I know I can't do it alone yet. I'm not ready and that’s OK because I'm ready to try.”

“Toby and I are always here to offer our love and support. I think you are ready to try and your strength may even surprise you. So um, I have some news.”

“What's up?”

CJ picked over her grilled chicken salad; she wasn’t very hungry today. Since Simon died her appetite was up and down. she could go from eating everything in sight to practical anorexia all in the span of a few days. Her doctor said it was normal but three years later and it had not changed. At one point both Toby and her mother-in-law threatened to have her hospitalized if she didn’t maintain a decent weight. Being six feet tall didn’t help when she started to get on the thin side.

“I'm pregnant CJ. Toby and I just found out last week. We aren’t telling a lot of a people because I'm only ten weeks.”

“Really? Oh that’s wonderful. You guys have been trying for a while now.”

“We’re ecstatic.”

CJ smiled, happy for her closest friends. Still, CJ and Simon had plans for a big family. He wanted four and they would always bicker about it though CJ felt a joy she couldn’t even describe at the idea of birthing Simon’s children. That was not going to happen now and she was ready to acknowledge and move past it.

***

“I still say Marnie is one of Hitchcock’s best. People don’t understand it so they dismiss it.”

“I just had a schoolboy crush on Tippi Hedren.”

“Of course you did.”

They walked out of the theatre and CJ pulled her coat tighter around her.

“Seriously. Redheads are my weakness.”

“Hmm, interesting.”

CJ pushed her auburn bangs off her forehead but the wind brought them right back. She looked at her watch; it was barely nine o’clock. Libby was home with her grandmother and CJ wasn’t ready to go yet. She was having a good time; no need to end it now. Clearing her throat she held her ground as they both tried to past the awkward post movie moment… it was inevitable.

“Do you want to get a drink or something?” CJ asked.

“I don’t drink. I prefer coffee.”

“I want a martini.”

“Compromise?” Leo asked.

“Sure.”

“Do you like jazz?”

“I don’t know really.”

“I can take you to the Lenox Lounge, you can have something to drink, I can sip coffee, and we can hear great music. If you want.”

“Am I dressed alright?”

She wore grey slacks with a black blouse and camisole. Her hair was pulled back, fly aways blowing in the wind.

“You look great. Lets get out of the cold.”

Leo hailed a taxi and didn’t seem at all bothered by the cost of going from Brooklyn and Harlem. CJ loved the ride; it was like getting the best of New York in 45 minutes. The lounge had a nice sized crowd for a Thursday night but Mr. McGarry and his guest were immediately shown to a reserved table. CJ ordered a martini, Leo a cup of coffee, and over cigarettes they looked at the menu.

“I guess I don’t have to ask if you come here often.” She said.

“I love jazz. It soothes me. You put on a record and you're transported to another place. I love that feeling.”

“That’s why I listen to Marc Cohn.”

“You like Marc Cohn? That’s jazz CJ.”

“Is it? Mmm, I love him. Simon knew he had to be quiet if I was playing Marc Cohn.”

“How did you two meet?”

“Through my best friend Toby. He used to be a professor at CCNY and Simon was working on his degree in criminal justice. It was a blind date and we fell instantly. That never happened to me before.”

“I know the feeling. You want to try the Thai-inspired chicken. Its delicious.”

“Yeah.”

So they drank, had a light dinner, and listened to a torch singer croon about lost love, redemption, and how beautiful New York was in the spring. It had been so long since either had felt so comfortable and they didn’t mind saying so. She didn’t see Leo smile but she saw his eyes in the candlelight and knew he felt better. That was a good start. It was only their first night.

***

“Claudia Donovan, I haven't seen you in a long time. I was very sorry to hear about your husband.”

CJ stood as District Attorney John Hoynes walked toward her. He kissed her cheek, gently rubbing her back. She put on a smile.

“Hello Mr. District Attorney. Its nice to see you too.”

“Oh please, you don’t have to call me that. John Hoynes sir suits me just fine.”

They both laughed. John put his hand on her arm.

“What brings you down here? You're not in any trouble are you?”

“No. Actually I am being stood up for the third time by your Executive Assistant District Attorney.”

“Obviously Josh Lyman is out of his mind.”

“No, just busy with all the work you drop in his lap.”

“He is great at his job. If you are lacking in a lunch date, I would be honored to fill in.”

“What? You don’t have to…”

“I know Claudia, I want to. What man wouldn’t?”

“I can be a hell of a companion.” CJ replied.

“Of this I have little doubt. Tell me what you're in the mood for.”

“Anything?”

“Whatever you want.”

“A big, juicy porterhouse. Its rare that I even have an appetite for something that grandiose.”

“You're a woman after my own heart Claudia. Steak sounds terrific. Tell me how you’ve been; its been too long since I saw you last.”

They left the building and got into his chauffeured Lincoln.

“A chauffeur?” CJ raised an eyebrow. “As a taxpayer am I paying for this?”

“To make it up for you I’ll buy lunch.”

“You'll have to do more than that Mr. District Attorney. This is a Lincoln.”

“I love a challenge Mrs. Donovan.”

***

“I just don’t feel like getting out of bed.”

“What do you mean?”

“Haven't you ever had one of those days Leo? Today is mine.”

“Sure I have, but it was usually because I was sick from drinking. Are you sick?”

“No, I…”

“Then get up.”

“Lay off me.”

“I will not lay off. Did you lay off me when I wanted to go back to the group last week? I don’t like what I am hearing from you right now.”

“Good, that means I can hang up the phone.”

“If you hang up on me I will never speak to you again.”

“You're bluffing.”

“I'm not Claudia Jean.”

“You know what I'm not; I am not in the mood for this. Aren't I allowed to have a fucking bad day?”

Her voice went up an octave and Leo pulled his ear away from the phone. Leo took a deep breath, jumping right back in.

“Of course you are, and I have had plenty. I know I would have had far fewer if I had someone to pull me out of my self-imposed exile.”

“Leo…”

“I will make a deal with you. I’ll come over today and we will just hang out. You don’t even have to take off what you're wearing right now.”

“I'm wearing a tee shirt and panties.” CJ reasoned.

“Perfect. I don’t give a damn CJ. You either do my plan or I will do yours.”

“What do you mean?”

“I will climb into bed with you. I think you'll like my pajamas.”

“What if I don’t let you up? I live in a secured building.”

“I've charmed myself into fancier places than your building. Just let me in…I haven’t seen you in a few days and I just want to look at your face. Please.”

She sighed heavily and Leo heard her moving around in bed.

“Fine Leo, I will let you in. Bring pajamas.”

Before he answered, she hung up the phone. It had been six weeks since she and Leo made a decision to move on from their support group. Things had been going well enough; they spent their time with each other. Trips to The Met, dinner, long conversations by telephone, and helping each other through some of the day to day. 

Libby was with her grandparents in Washington Heights for the weekend and Dead Again was on cable last night. She should never have watched it…it was her and Simon’s favorite film. They used to recite the lines; he Emma and she Kenneth. Then they would alternate between Derek Jacobi’s lines, laughing when they talked over each other and missed whole paragraphs. Yeah, it was silly, but it was theirs.

She would never be able to do it again. Watching it in silence last night was agonizing; CJ turned it off midway through. She cried herself to sleep clutching his pillow and woke up with heaviness in her heart and stomach. Then Leo called. CJ could never express how grateful she was that he pushed her…she knew from experience she could stay in bed a long time. He would come and she would feel alive and at least walk around the apartment. Maybe she would even eat.

CJ propped up on her pillows and grabbed the picture of Simon on her nightstand. It was taken on the ferry just a month before he died. He smiled in the picture; looked so full of life and spirit. Someone stole her husband’s life and adding to the anguish they never found the person. Simon was a homicide detective in the 49th District. While investigating the murder of a gangster’s girlfriend in a crowded party. he and other officers got into a shootout with some wannabe mobsters. Three of the officers were shot but only Simon’s wounds were fatal. He was shot twice in the chest and once in the back…the second bullet in the chest turned his body around. CJ wished she didn’t know that. She wished to God every night to strike it from her memory.

Her door buzzed and CJ reluctantly got up and went to the speaker.

“Yes?”

“Mrs. Donovan, there is a Leo McGarry down here to see you.”

“Send him up please.”

CJ went into the kitchen and put on the teakettle. He knocked on the door, smiling when she opened the door.

“You weren’t kidding huh? Nice outfit.”

“Just come in before my neighbors get a look at my skivvies.”

“Now you want to be shy?”

“Leo.” She said through clenched teeth. She grabbed him in by the lapels of his coat and pulled him into the apartment. He handed her a dozen red roses and that brought another smile to her face.

“Oh they're beautiful. You didn’t have to.”

“I thought it might bring a bit of joy to your day.”

“I love them.” she kissed his cheek. "Thank you."

He took off his coat and CJ laughed. It was the full-blown donkey laugh but neither one of them cared.

“What the hell…?”

“You told me to bring pajamas, so I did.”

Leo was dressed in blue pajamas and a pair of black JP Tod Shoes. He threw his coat over his arm but CJ took it and put it in the hall closet.

“I'm making tea. Would you like a cup?”

“Yeah.”

Leo followed her into the kitchen, trying to ignore the fact that she was practically naked. Her tee shirt was much smaller than her panties and his head was swimming. He watched as she filled a vase with water for her roses.

“I didn’t know they made Johnny Cash tee shirts that small.” He said, sitting on one of the bar stools.

“Its called a baby doll tee. I cannot believe you really wore pajamas…I needed that laugh.”

“I'm here for you. You need to laugh and I do my best to make it so. Do you want to talk about why you're down in the dumps today?”

She didn’t really. He was there now and her day could be salvaged.

“Maybe I should go and put pants on.” She said instead. “I was just trying to shock you.”

“Why? Were you under the impression that I had never seen a pair of legs before?”

“Shut up.” She reached across the counter to punch his arm. “I am going to get dressed. Will you make our tea? The cups are in the cupboard beside the refrigerator.”

“Sure. Go on.”

Leo went over to the cupboards but couldn’t help looking after her. She was a beautiful woman and he was glad she had chosen to cover up. She came back with a pair of sweats on and they went into the living room with their tea.

“What's been happening the past few days?” he asked, getting comfortable on the couch.

“Just work and real life. I've been busy. Oh, and I burnt cookies for Libby’s school bake sale.”

“How did that happen?”

“I am the world’s most awful cook. Even with the egg timer something still went horribly awry. They sold anyway…I think the kids felt sorry for me.”

“I'm an excellent cook. Its something I actually love to do.”

“Good, you're making me dinner sometime.” CJ said.

“Just say the word. So, what do you want to do today? Anything you want.”

“How about Trivial Pursuit? Its been so long since I just played a board game with a grownup.”

“Are you a sore loser?” he asked.

“That’s a bit premature.”

“I'm just checking.”

“Don’t worry, you won't have to find out.”

“That statement only goes to show that you’ve never played this game with me.”

“Oh really. Bring it then; I'm ready.”

Their rematch was interrupted by the arrival of Libby and her grandmother.

“Hey mom! I'm back! I…”

Everything seemed to stop as they all stared at each other. CJ jumped up, tried to explain.

“This is my friend Leo. He’s…”

“Wearing pajamas.” Her mother-in-law replied.

“It was a dare.” Leo stood to shake her hand. “I've only been here a few hours. It is lovely to meet you.”

“Catherine Donovan, nice to meet you.”

“And you're Libby. I've heard so much about you.”

“Elizabeth Catherine Donovan. I haven’t heard about you.”

They shook hands and the girl smiled.

“I like your pj’s.” she said. “Do you really wear those to bed?”

“I do.”

“I'm gonna put mine on too. Bye grandma.”

She rushed to her bedroom and Catherine handed CJ her backpack.

“We would have kept her until after dinner but John and I are going to a cocktail hour tonight.”

“Its fine. This is home and I always miss Libby when she is not here.”

“Call me soon sweetheart.”

CJ nodded, kissing her cheek and walking her to the door. When she was gone CJ burst into laughter.

“Wow that was like a bad sitcom plot. I am so sorry Leo.”

“Don’t be silly. I'm just glad you put some pants on.”

“Oh God, I know.”

“Ta-da!”

Libby came bouncing into the room wearing a pair of Strawberry Shortcake feet-in pajamas.

“I love it.” Leo said. “You're absolutely adorable.”

She curtsied and CJ watched as the two of them bonded for the next few hours. She had never seen Libby take so fast to anyone; her little girl was shy. They put on some music, danced around the living room. they played rock paper scissors, Libby even showed Leo how to do the Cabbage Patch.

“Ooh Paul Simon.” Libby jumped up from the couch and started to sing. A man walks down the street, says why am I soft in the middle now, why am I soft in the middle, the rest of my life is so hard. “C’mon mommy, sing with me.”

CJ colored a bit but she and her daughter performed You Can Call Me Al. Leo gave them a standing ovation, shouting for more.

“You're just being nice. My singing voice is on par with my cooking.”

“You beat yourself up too much. Your mommy is a great singer, isn’t she Libby?”

“The best.” The five year old replied.

“See? Who wouldn’t believe that honest little face?”

Libby smiled to prove his point and Leo pinched her cheek.

“You’ve got a big fan in her.” CJ said.

CJ and Leo were standing at the front door after Libby had gone to bed. They ordered pizza, watched Beauty and the Beast, and talked a bit before Leo decided he had better go.

“You're not going to be cold going home are you Leo?” Libby asked before she went to her room.

“Nah, I’ll be fine. If I catch cold we’ll blame mommy OK?”

Libby just giggled, hugging him, kissing her mother, and running to her bedroom.

“She is fantastic CJ. I would love to spend time with her…with the both of you. Don’t think you have to exclude her from things we do together.”

“I like the sound of that. I’ll call you tomorrow. Thank you for today.”

She kissed his cheek and watched him walk to the elevator before closing the door.

***

“I have a date on Wednesday.” CJ announced.

That stopped Nora and Donna in their tracks. The women were shopping at Manhattan Mall Ann Taylor on an early April evening, looking forward to spring’s return to New York. Nora was excited about her blossoming pregnancy and the joy of maternity clothes. CJ’s statement eclipsed that thought for a while. This was big news.

“Seriously?” Donna asked, putting a white blouse back on the rack and picking up a blue one.

“Well I hate to even call it that you know. But it is dinner with a man and I figure I would find myself not wanting to make a big deal about it and doing it anyway.”

“Oh don’t worry so much.” Nora said. “Leo is going to…”

“Its not Leo.” CJ replied, shaking her head.

“Who then?” Nora asked.

“Your boss.” She pointed to Donna.

“Eww, Josh?” the women asked in unison.

“Eww.” CJ shuddered. “That would be like dating my brother. Oh my God. I'm talking about John Hoynes.”

“Oh.”

“What? He’s a nice guy; attractive and witty. Attractive.”

“How did this happen?” Donna asked.

“Josh stood me up yet again and John offered to take me to lunch. I had a lovely time so when he called and invited me to dinner I thought it might be good for me. Its just dinner.”

“Well I think it is good that you are getting out.” Donna said. “How long has it been since you left the support group.”

“Almost seven weeks; Leo and I are doing great. On Sunday we took Libby to The Met for the Da Vinci exhibit…she was mesmerized. Leo seemed to know all of these things and held her rapt attention for hours. No one holds Libby’s rapt attention. Then we went to Caffe Grazie.”

Nora and Donna looked at each other. As the three women continued shopping and CJ went on about her Sunday with Leo and Libby, she was the only one who didn’t seem to think it was a date.

“Where is John taking you?” Nora asked at the register.

“He said it was my choice so I haven’t decided yet. Most likely Craft because everyone tells me I need to go there. Hey, I am sensing that you guys are not overjoyed about this John Hoynes thing.”

“Don’t be silly.” Donna said.

“We just want you to feel good, and comfortable.” Nora added. “As long as you do, then we do. It is time to get back out there…you said it yourself.”

***

“Mommy! We’re home!”

CJ came down the hall from her bedroom, meeting Libby and Leo in the foyer. He lost his breath when he saw her. She was dressed in a red sequined dress with a lot of back showing.

“What's the funny look Leopold? You don’t like my dress?”

“Its…wow. You look beautiful. Doesn’t she Libby?”

“Of course.”

“Thank you both. How was your afternoon?”

“I’ll let Libby tell it. She couldn’t wait to come home and do just that. Is there anything to drink?”

“Cranapple juice in the fridge. C’mon sweetie, come to my room and tell me all about your day with Leo.”

CJ took her hand and they walked back down the hall. Libby got out of school at 12:30 that afternoon and with meetings all day CJ could not pick her up. The usual suspects were in short supply. Leo volunteered after she told him about the situation. He would pick her up at Chapin, take her to lunch and keep her company until her mother got home.

“Mommy, we walked all over the whole city. We saw churches, parks, and so many people. I can't even believe my feet didn’t fall off.”

She kicked off her school shoes, engaging in her favorite activity of jumping on her mother’s bed.

“I never knew there were so many statues…is that the word?”

“Mmm hmm.”

“There are millions. Oh, and Leo has a plastic kneecap…isn’t that cool? I asked him to show it to me but its under his skin. He showed me the scar and it’s even better than the one I have on my leg from when I fell out the tree. He is like the Six Billion Dollar Man mommy. We walked all day and he never said it hurt. He showed me the coolest stuff ever. We had so much fun.”

“It sounds that way.”

“I want to do it again…all three of us, OK?”

“If Leo has time and doesn’t mind being stuck with us all day.”

“He doesn’t mind mommy. Leo loves us, don’t you Leo?”

“Knock knock.” He gently tapped on the bedroom door but didn’t come over the threshold. He just leaned on the frame.

“Hey there. Sounds like you two had the adventure of a lifetime this afternoon.”

“It was fun. More fun than I've had in a while.”

“We’ll do it again, won't we Leo?” Libby asked. “All three of us?”

“I don’t see why not.”

“See mommy…he loves us.”

Leo grinned, putting his glass to his lips. That didn’t stop CJ from noticing the blush creep across his face.

“I see that grin Mister; you cannot hide it from me.”

CJ watched him through her mirror as she applied makeup.

“Where are you off to tonight?” he asked. “If you don’t mind my asking.”

“Dinner with a friend.”

“I'm glad you're getting out.”

“What about you?” she asked.

“What about me?”

“Do you get out?”

“If I feel like it. Work keeps me busy and if I'm not working, I prefer to be at home. I spent so many years away from home that I love being there whenever I can now.”

“Hey Leo, tell mommy about your plastic kneecap. Its too bad you can't show her.”

“Some other time sweetie, I promise. In fact, I need to get going. Your babysitter will be here soon.”

“I’ll walk you out. Say goodnight Libby.”

She jumped off the bed, rushing over to give him a big hug. Leo kissed the top of her head.

“Goodnight kid.”

“Goodnight Leo. Come back soon.”

They walked out to the kitchen; Leo left his glass in the sink before going to the door.

“You don’t have to be afraid to tell me you have a date tonight CJ. Isn’t that why we’re trying to move on with our lives?”

“Its really just dinner. I think the word date scares the hell out of me. I don’t have to tell you why.”

“It shouldn’t unless you put out on the first date. Not that I would ever hold that against a woman.”

She laughed, slapping him.

“Seriously, I want you to have fun tonight. You really do look amazing.”

“Thanks. I’ll see you Thursday?”

“Actually, my daughter is coming to New York and I'm going to have dinner with her. I meant to tell you but I honestly forgot. Rain check?”

CJ wanted to protest, Thursday was their night. Oh my God, how could she be so selfish? She knew it had been some time since Leo had seen Mallory. After studying education at Georgetown University she decided to stay in DC and teach third grade. Her mother was there; Leo’s ex-wife was married to a lobbyist. CJ knew their relationship was loving but estranged. She didn’t know why, it was hard to get Leo to open up. She would never interrupt a moment between he and Mallory.

“Yeah.” She nodded. “When?”

“Saturday lunch?”

“You're on.” She smiled, kissing his cheek. “Goodnight.”

“Have fun.”

Leo decided to walk the almost five blocks back to his condo though his knee was killing him. He was bringing her out of her shell and right into another man’s arms. This had begun to get complicated and that was never his intention.

***

“Five times in three weeks. I do count myself a lucky man.”

“Its just ice cream.” CJ said.

They sat on a bench in the park across from the District Attorney’s office eating ice cream cones. It was a perfect spring afternoon.

“We could both stand a little time off. I just wanted to see how you week was going.”

“Busy. You know we’re gearing up for a pretty high profile rape case.”

“Josh mentioned it. Oh, don’t give me that look John Christopher, he didn’t give away any of your trade secrets.”

“I like to hear you say that.”

“What?”

“My whole name. How’s your pistachio?”

“Have a taste yourself.”

She held out the cone but the DA bypassed that, moving in and kissing her softly on the lips. CJ smiled when he pulled away.

“How was it?” she asked.

“Fantastic.”

They kissed again, neither seeming to care that they were out in public.

“John…” CJ pulled away and he stroked her cheek.

“Spend the night with me Claudia. I want you so much I can hardly see straight.”

“I'm flattered.” She laughed nervously as she focused on her ice cream cone. “I just…my daughter comes first and I definitely do not spend nights out.”

“Of course, God, I was being insensitive.”

“No.” she took his hand, squeezing it. “What are you doing Friday night?”

“If my lucky streak continues unabated, I’ll be with you.”

“I've been invited to a private art showing of a friend of mine, Noel Larieux.”

“The photographer?”

“Mmm hmm. Would you like to escort me?”

“Very much so.”

“Afterward we could um, go back to my place and have a nightcap.”

“At that hour I only drink coffee.” He replied.

“John, I don’t care what you drink.”

He smiled, making him even more handsome than he already was. He was definitely visual stunning but CJ’s stomach lurched as she thought about what she was promising. She tried to brush off the nerves.

“I better get back upstairs. I appreciate the ice cream break.”

“OK. I’ll see you Friday.”

“With bells on.” He kissed her cheek before heading back across the street.

CJ sat there on the bench; she had lost her appetite for ice cream. She dropped the rest of her cone in the trash and waited until she felt steady to get up and walk back to her office.

***

“It was Toby’s idea. He says I talk about you too much and he needed to meet you. He has this overprotective tendency.”

“Do you talk about me too much?”

They were in a cab on a rain soaked Thursday evening heading to the Village and a dinner reservation with CJ’s two best friends. She knew that Home was one of Leo’s favorite restaurants so when Toby said he wanted to take them out it was her suggestion.

“Toby is just picking on me, it’s a favorite past time.”

“How long have you two been friends?” Leo asked.

“Forever and a day. The first summer we met we had a bit of a fling but we are definitely better as friends. He and Nora are perfect for each other. She and I knew each other in college but I didn’t introduce them. Small world huh?”

“I would say so. Well, I will be happy to meet your best friends.”

Leo paid the cab driver and they dashed into the restaurant out of the rain. Inside, Leo was introduced to Toby and Nora.

“It is so great to meet you.” Nora said. “CJ has nothing but wonderful things to say about you.”

“I'm sure she is exaggerating. How far along are you?” he touched her stomach before they sat down.

“A little over four months. No wine for me tonight.”

“We’ll be sober together.”

“Leo doesn’t drink so I have to slow down. I don’t want him to have to carry me home.”

“I would sell tickets to that.” Toby replied.

“Shut up you. See what I mean Leo, in some cultures they call this love.”

“So Leo, you think John Hoynes is going to run for Senate? The time to announce is coming up fast.”

“No politics.” CJ covered her ears. “Between you and Joshua I hear way too much of this.”

She also didn’t want John Hoynes to be the topic of conversation tonight.

“Its just a simple question. I figured if anyone would know Leo would.”

“What does he mean?” CJ looked at her companion.

“You know I work in politics CJ. I guess Toby is wondering whether I intend to help the District Attorney on his possible Senate run. The answer is hell no.”

“You do more than work in politics Leo,” Toby said. “You are politics. And why not?”

“There are some other things on the horizon. The Presidential election for example.”

“Are you serious? Do you have a guy?”

“Stop it.” Nora said. “You two can have this conversation later. CJ tells me you're a big jazz fan.”

The conversation turned to music and Leo got wrapped up in his love of jazz and soul.

“I used to sit and listen to Charlie Parker records. It…transformed me. Took me from where I was to where I wanted to be. It still does.”

“That was Karen Carpenter for me.” CJ said.

“Ike and Tina.” Nora said. “And Prince.”

“I even tried to learn the trumpet.” Leo said. “It was a pretty dismal experience. I don’t have a lot of rhythm.”

“Nonsense. You do a mean Cabbage Patch Leopold.”

“Oh no.” he laughed. “I do an awful Cabbage Patch.”

“What the hell is a Cabbage Patch?” Toby asked.

“A very bad dance from the 80s.” Nora replied.

“Libby taught it to him and he was good. I've seen my share of bad dancers and you're not one of them.”

“I can't dip you.”

“Oh please, that’s a height thing. It doesn’t matter to me. He’s a good dancer, take my word for it.”

“Fine, she wins.” Leo threw up his hands in defeat.

“Get used to it.” Toby said. “They always do.”

“Its her smile. I can't resist it.”

“Don’t even try it Leopold. I do not use my smile to get things.” CJ said.

“Sometimes you do.” Nora said. “Sometimes I do.”

“Hey, you are supposed to be on my side.”

“I am, but I know I have ways of getting this one to do what I want.” She pointed to her husband.

“Sugar,” Toby covered her mouth. “We do not want to scare the children.”

They spent the rest of the meal laughing and talking. Both Toby and Nora, unbeknownst to each other, studied them. The body language, the way she touched his shoulder, the way he glowed when she smiled…the way they leaned closer to speak with each other as if they were sharing a great secret. Toby counted and CJ laughed a total of 14 times during dinner. Leo of course was not a big laugher but his shone through five times. The funniest thing for the Zieglers as they observed their friend and her new friend was to watch CJ react to Leo and vice-versa. He lit up when she smiled; she gave him her rapt attention at all times.

After the meal they climbed in Nora’s Volvo for the ride back to the Upper East Side. The traffic was horrendous and the rainy weather didn’t help. CJ and Leo were cozy in the back listening to the love song station Nora always played on her radio. Toby still watched them in the rearview mirror; he couldn’t help it. Leo’s hand rested on the seat beside him and CJ’s was right next to it. Nothing overt or over the top but their fingers touched. That tiny connection sent the temperature rising in the vehicle…CJ asked if she could crack the window.

“Its raining.” Toby reasoned.

“Shut up or it’ll be your window. I'm not the Wicked Witch of the West Tobus; I can handle it.”

“Then by all means.”

Nora finally pulled up in front of CJ’s building; she put the car in park.

“Tonight was fun.” She said. “We have to do it again sometime.”

“I’d like to.” Leo replied.

“Do you need us to drop you someplace Leo?” Toby asked.

“No.” CJ answered for both of them. “You're coming up right?”

“Right. CJ loves to make me coffee and I haven’t seen Libby in a couple of days so…”

“Goodnight guys.”

They got out of the car and rushed into the building. Nora checked her mirror for oncoming traffic before pulling out into the street.

“She has absolutely no idea you know.” Nora said.

“None whatsoever.”

“Why?”

“Because its safe. We are not going to involve ourselves.”

“Toby…”

“Nora, I'm serious. Unless we’re asked directly we won't do it. I want you to promise me, no scheming. They're both at a crossroads in their lives and it could be disastrous.”

“Alright. Alright, I promise. I don’t want to see her hurt, or him either. He seems like he’s had enough pain in his life.”

Toby knew that by the end of whatever this was, they would both be starting all over again. Sometimes the revelation could drive a person to a breakdown. There had been enough of those for CJ over the past three years.

***

The opening act on the couch lasted about 15 minutes. There was a lot of kissing, touching, nibbling…CJ giggled.

“You're amazing.” John murmured in her ear before taking the lobe hostage. “I want to make love to you Claudia.”

She took his hand, leading him down the hall to the bedroom. The kissing went on, lying on the bed as John whispered in her ear how beautiful she was; how turned on he was. CJ stiffened when she was fully naked. John kissed her softly.

“Just relax, I would never hurt you. Relax.”

“I've just…not with anyone since…”

“Shh.” He quieted her with another kiss. “I’ll be gentle. I promise.”

CJ tried to relax, liking what she felt even if it was foreign to her. John didn’t feel like Simon and he didn’t feel like what she imagined Leo did. Whoa, where did that come from? His mouth warmed her skin and she moaned when the feelings overwhelmed her.

“That’s it. I knew I would make you feel good.”

She tried to smile, closed her eyes and followed the feeling.

“Oh Claudia, oh I want you so much.”

“Mmm.”

CJ bit her lip when his hand stroked between her thighs. It had been so long and for just a moment her last encounter with Simon flew through her mind like a movie. John moved her thighs further apart; blew on her sex.

“Ohhh, mmm.” She gripped the sheets, sweating with anticipation at what he would do next.

Surprise was the only way to describe it when he overlooked it completely and want back to kiss her. He stroked her face, again telling her she was beautiful. CJ took hold of her hips and repositioned herself under him. She was ready for the main event and didn’t mind telling him so.

“Now John.”

“Not so nervous anymore.” he chuckled, taking a condom from her nightstand.

When he thrust, CJ cried out but it was not in pleasure. He was rough and moved too fast. She put her hand on his chest.

“Slow down, slow down. It’s all so new again.”

“I understand.”

He did and after a few strokes, it started to feel good. She began to move with him and let the pleasure guide her along. Even at its worse, and John was far from that, most sex still felt good.

“Oh Claudia, you're amazing. So amazing. Oh God, oh Claudia.”

Leo, her mind moaned. Oh Leo, Leo, Leo don’t stop!

John moved her thighs further apart, pushed deeper and CJ grimaced from the discomfort. The District Attorney didn’t seem to notice.

“Oh God, you really turn me on. Oh Claudia, tell me it feels good.”

“Mmm.” She moaned, having nothing else to say.

She gripped his shoulders and pinched her eyes shut. As he drove in and out of her, CJ arched her back.

Leo, oh Leo, ohhh…oh Leo!

She opened her eyes. For less than a split second she was shocked by the stranger above her; shocked that it wasn’t who she thought it was. Worried that she may have been saying things aloud as she imagined them. Her body got tighter as the tension built. John lurched forward, groaning her name as he climaxed. He threw himself on the mattress, lying on his side and stroking her stomach. CJ shuddered, taking a deep breath.

“Was it good?” he asked.

“I'm not answering that.”

“Why?”

“Because John. If you're with me just so you can stroke your own ego we may as well forget this.”

“I'm not. Hey Claudia,” he turned her face so she was looking at him. “You know me better than that.”

“Yeah. I'm sorry. I'm sorry John.”

“Its OK.” He pulled her close and kissed her. “All I want is for you to be comfortable. Especially with me.”

“I'm fine. It was nice, just…new.”

“It doesn’t have to stay new for long.”

He moved his body over hers and CJ laughed, holding him at arm’s length.

“Slow down stallion. Give a girl time to breathe.”

John laughed, looking at his watch.

“Wow, is it really that late?” he asked.

“I didn’t think it was much later than eleven.”

“I have an early morning breakfast with some DNC people. I need to…oh Claudia…don’t think…”

“I don’t. Your job is important.”

“That’s my girl.” He kissed her again.

“Are you going to run for the Senate?” she asked as she watched him dress quickly.

“I will tell you all about it when we have dinner next week. I had an amazing evening.”

“Do you want me to walk you out?”

“I’ll find my way. Call me.”

“Yeah.”

John blew her a kiss and was gone. When she heard the door close, she threw a pillow over her face and screamed. It wasn’t awful, it was just…weird. And where did those thoughts of Leo come from? She nearly screamed his name more than once. That would have been a disaster of Cecil B. DeMille proportions. Sighing, CJ flopped over on her side and tried to sleep. After an hour of watching her alarm clock, she picked up the phone. She dialed the number from memory and hoped she was not waking him.

***

“I'm home!”

“In the kitchen!”

She smiled when she heard both Libby and Leo’s voices. She walked into the kitchen; they were deep in dinner preparation.

“Hey guys.”

“Hey.” Leo said. “You were running late so we started without you. Hope you don’t mind.”

“No, it smells heavenly. Where is Kelly?”

Kelly was Libby’s babysitter.

“I didn’t want her to be late for her night class again so I paid her.”

“You what? Leo.”

“What? She was going to be late. Just give the money back to me when you get the time.”

CJ was going to write him a check tonight and she told him so. Leo just nodded.

“How is my little gumdrop?” she put her hands on Libby’s cheeks and kissed her lips.

“Fine. Aren’t you going to kiss Leo mommy?”

“What?”

“Kiss Leo hello.”

“Libby…”

“What?”

CJ took hold of Leo’s face and kissed him too. He smiled. She tried to hide her blush.

“Tell me what you're cooking.”

“Spaghetti and meatballs.” Libby said. “I rolled the meatballs myself mommy.”

“You did?”

“I was good at it, wasn’t I Leo?”

“Excellent. How big should they be Libby?”

“This big.” She made a circle with her thumb and forefinger.

“Why?” he asked.

“Because any bigger would fill my tummy too fast.”

“That’s right.” Leo reached across the counter to tickle her stomach. Libby’s excited giggle was a higher pitched version of her mother’s.

“Well it looks like you two have it all under control out there. I'm just going to take a quick shower, get comfy and write you that check.”

“OK.” They said in unison and that made her smile.

She excused herself and went into her bedroom. That was a very domestic scene she walked in on tonight. Her little girl had fallen hard for Leo…she talked of him all the time. Even CJ’s mother-in-law wanted to know what was going on between the two of them. Every time she was with her granddaughter, there was a new Leo story. CJ wasn’t sure Catherine believed her when she said they were just friends.

Later over dinner, Libby talked all about her day.

“Ooh mommy, guess what?”

“What?”

“Leo flew a plane in the war. It was called a THUD and he shot down bad people and won medals. Didn’t you Leo?”

“I did. We don’t want to bore mom with that though.”

“We’re not.” Libby dismissed the suggestion. “Are we mommy?”

“Absolutely not.”

She smiled at Leo and he winked. Dinner was relaxing and they all laughed. Libby helped Leo load the dishwasher and then the two of them watched cartoons while CJ made a few business calls.

“OK sweetness, bedtime.”

“Already?”

“I'm afraid so. You have school in the morning.”

“Can Leo tuck me in?” Libby asked.

“Sure.”

“Piggyback Leo!”

“Alright, hop on.”

He backed up to the couch and Libby hopped on his back. CJ gasped.

“Leo, be careful.”

“She is as light as a feather.”

“Yeah right. Do you want some coffee?”

“Yeah. Say goodnight to mommy.”

“Goodnight mommy.”

“Goodnight.” She blew her daughter a kiss and watched Leo take her to bed.

In the kitchen, she put on a pot of Kenyan roast and sliced some homemade pound cake that Toby’s sister made for her. She was pouring two cups when Leo joined her.

“She is sound asleep.” He said.

“What did you read to her?”

“The Lorax. She tried to convince me to read it twice but she was sleepier than she thought.”

“She always is. Sit down.”

They say across from each other at the counter, not saying much. Leo munched on cake while CJ lit a much-needed cigarette.

“Leo…”

“CJ, I need to talk to you.”

“OK.”

“When were you going to tell me that you're dating John Hoynes?”

“I'm not.”

“Please don’t lie to me. I have never given you any reason to and it sets a bad precedent. Always honesty with us, deal?”

“Yeah.” She nodded. “John and I have been out but I don’t like to use the word date. I should have known we would end up in the papers though and I'm sorry.”

“You should not be sorry for growing. Isn’t that part of our little experiment?”

“Don’t call it that Leo; its more than that. I thought we were good friends.”

“Of course we are. That means you should not be worried about telling me what’s happening in your life.”

CJ nodded, feeling so ashamed.

“When you called me Friday night, when you couldn’t sleep, did it have anything to do with John?” Leo asked.

“No.” she lied and was angry with herself. She had to tell him that they were dating, if that’s what he wanted to call it. She was not ready to mention that they were sleeping together. “Random bout of insomnia; it happens.”

“You can call me any time of the day or night, you know that.”

“I do.” She reached out for his hand. “You are…”

“What?”

“You're so good to me. You're amazing you know.”

“Not really.”

“Yeah really. You may not know it but you are.”

“I’ll take your word for it. So, you and John Hoynes…”

“I don’t want to talk about him. I mean, its not because I'm hiding anything. Why would I want to talk about that when you can tell me all about your being a war hero?”

Leo smiled, squeezing her hand. He turned her palm up; traced her lifeline.

“You're deflecting, but you're cute when you do it so I won't complain.”

***

“I'm going to have the three cheese lasagna. My companion will have the pan-seared chicken parmigiana on a bed of angel hair pasta and a glass of Shiraz.”

“Would you like to start with salads, Mr. Hoynes?” the server asked.

“Yes, that sounds lovely. Peppercorn ranch for me and honey mustard for the lady.”

“Actually, balsamic vinaigrette please. And no onions or croutons.”

“Yes ma'am. Thank you.”

The server walked away and John looked at CJ with dancing blue eyes. His eyes were a lot like Simon’s; it was not the first time CJ noticed.

“Well?” he asked.

“I tried it and I don’t like it.”

“What's not to like?”

“Its demeaning John.”

“I ordered your dinner…what is demeaning about that?”

“I just sat here like a lump with no brain. The waitress either thinks I'm an idiot or a Stepford Wife.”

“So its not you, but what others think of you?” he asked.

“No, its me too. I have a voice and I like to use it. Today it’s ordering my dinner; tomorrow you're picking out my clothes and telling me how to wear my hair.”

“Ah, I have a feminista on my hands. I can deal with that. From now on you can order my food for me, how about that?”

“Shut up. You're placating me.”

“And you are smiling so my job is done. Speaking of picking out clothes…”

“Were we?”

“The American Cancer Society is having a dinner on Saturday and I want you to be there with me.”

“What does that have to do with clothes?”

“Well I thought I would entice you with the offer of dress shopping.” John said.

“I have plenty of dresses. Too many, if you ask some.”

“I know, but I thought it would be fun for us to go shopping together.”

Someone placed CJ’s wine on the table and she took a sip.

“John, do you ever drink?”

“No.”

“Why?”

“Because I like it too much. Way too much.”

“Oh, I didn’t know.”

“I know that. It’s not a secret but I have been sober since law school. Can we get back to the dress?”

“John…I think I am going to have to turn you down.”

“Why?”

“I like going out with you, I think you know that. I'm not sure how I feel about dating the District Attorney; the Senatorial candidate. I'm still trying to wrap my mind around that. What happened between us happened rather fast.”

They had been to many public events in the past six weeks…CJ started to feel like she was only there because she was pretty. When he went to all these events, he was not John. He was Hoynes, the ambitious, shrewd politician who showed her off like another victory. She was not in the mood to deal with it this weekend.

“I hate the idea of going alone.” He said. “I think I hate the idea of going without you even more.”

“Skip it. We can do whatever we want.”

“I uh, my presence is required.”

“Is this about cancer or votes?” CJ asked.

“Both.” He replied. “Everything these days is about votes, whether I like it or not.”

“Mmm, I know. So the next time we’re out I get to order for you, huh?”

“Why not? I want to see if it makes me feel like a lump. I haven’t felt that way since college and some days I miss it.”

CJ laughed. She caressed his hand.

“Sometimes…” she whispered.

“Sometimes what?”

“Just sometimes. Ah, the salad’s here.”

“I would give my left eye to know what you were thinking about most of the time.” John said.

“You might look rather distinguished with an eye patch.”

***

“Why are we doing this? Where is Tobias again?”

“A communications conference in Boston. I was lucky to get rid of him; he watches over me like a damn condor.”

CJ and Nora were in the nursery. It was mid-June and she was due in seven weeks. CJ thought she must have had to threaten Toby’s life to get him to leave her.

“I cannot believe you want to keep the gender a secret.” CJ said. “Simon and I were desperate to know.”

“Toby wants a little girl but all I care about is ten fingers and ten toes. Where is this piece supposed to go?”

CJ looked at the instructions, turned them to the side, and looked again. She laughed.

“I have no damn clue. Lets take a lunch break.”

CJ helped Nora off the floor and they went down to the kitchen.

“So tell me what's going on.” Nora said. “You’ve been so out of the game lately. Other than work I haven’t seen you.”

“Nothing has been happening; it’s been quiet. Libby is anxious to get out of school. She’s bouncing off the walls.”

“What about Leo?”

“He is finally coming home on Thursday…he’s been gone too long. I've missed him but we talk almost every night.”

Leo was traveling doing work for the DNC. He had been out of the New York Metropolitan area for almost three weeks. She was still seeing John Hoynes, who was now officially running for the Senate. There were so many parties and so much schmoozing; CJ felt like she was in over her head. Her friends got a kick out of seeing her in The Times and The Post almost everyday. The new relationship seemed to be putting a strain on her and Leo’s but CJ was doing her best to fight it.

“Isn't it insane, these past four months?” CJ asked.

“What do you mean?” Nora grabbed the chicken salad from the refrigerator.

“I feel like a year’s gone by; maybe more. I mean, here I am dating. For awhile I thought I could get away not calling it that but the New York Post seems to have made up my mind for me.”

“Do not let anyone make up your mind for you. Do you love John, CJ?”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa.” She held up her hands. “That’s a bit premature. I um…”

“What?”

“Why are you pressing me Nora?”

“You know me, and I am not pressing you. It sounds like everyone else is.”

“John doesn’t press me, its just…politics. Can we change the subject please?”

Her cell phone rang. CJ grabbed it from the counter, smiling. She mouthed it was Leo.

“Hi.”

“Hey you. Just wanted to check in.”

“Nora and I are doing a very lousy job of putting together a crib. I'm having dinner with my in-laws later.”

“Tell everyone I said hello.”

“I will. You miss me?” CJ asked.

That question got Nora’s attention. She eavesdropped without missing a beat with the chicken salad.

“Nah, not so much.”

“Meanie.”

“You know that I do.” Leo replied laughing. “I didn’t call my ex-wife from the road as much as I call you and Libby.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, which is one of the many reasons she is now my ex-wife. Do you miss me?”

“So much. I'm going to pick you up at the airport on Thursday and we’ll go straight to dinner if you're in the mood.”

“I am definitely in the mood. You don’t have plans?”

“Thursday night is our night…my plans are with you.”

“Are you bringing Supergirl? I miss her smile.”

“She misses you too but no, it’s a school night. You will be stuck with me.”

“I can make due.” Leo said. “I better go, I have a lunch thing. I just wanted to say hi.”

“Hi. See you Thursday.”

“I can't wait. Bye Claudia Jean.”

“Bye Leopold.”

She hung up, sighing as Nora pushed a sandwich in front of her.

“How long have we known each other?” Nora asked.

“A long time; since Berkeley.”

“I have always been honest with you, right?”

“Painfully so at times. What's up?”

“Did you hear yourself on the phone? It sounded like you were talking to a lover.”

“That was Leo, Nora.”

“I know who it was, do you?”

“Don’t be silly. He is like my best friend; like you and Toby.”

“I think not. Look, I promised Toby and myself that I wouldn’t get involved and I'm not going to but you have to open your eyes before you run into a brick wall.”

“I don’t know what you mean.”

“Do you love Leo, CJ? Tell me the honest truth.”

“Of course I do. He’s like my savior, though I hate that word because it makes him less than what he is. I feel like I've known him my whole life. I feel like we compliment each other, you know. I can talk to him about Simon but lately I…”

“What?”

“Nothing. We better eat and get back to that crib or it will be in pieces when Toby gets back.”

“Good. Then he can put it together. We may have Masters degrees but I do not want my baby to end up on the floor.”

***

“I absolutely love, love, love this movie.”

“So, you love this movie huh?”

“Don’t make fun of me.”

“Why not? I'm getting a kick out of it.”

“Well most men usually get a kick out of one-sided fun.”

“Ooh ouch. You're bad Claudia Jean.”

She walked into the living room with snacks. She handed Leo his cranapple juice. He put it on the end table beside him. She put her light beer on the coffee table but held onto the bowl of popcorn.

“You don’t plan on sharing that?” Leo asked.

“You're welcome to come and get whatever you want. I don’t bite.”

“I bet you do sometimes.”

CJ gnashed her teeth and they both laughed.

“Stop it, you're distracting me.” she complained.

“I've just pushed play. You haven’t missed anything but the FBI warning and the opening credits. The beginning of this film is boring anyway.”

“I disagree. It shows you what kind of will she has right from the door. I love the scene with her in the elevator full of tall men. Oh, you don’t mind if I sometimes spout out lines, do you? Anthony Hopkins mostly, but they are all up for grabs.”

“You're acting as if we have never watched TV together. If I made it through The Thin Man and The Philadelphia Story, we’ll be just fine.”

“We’ll see.” CJ muttered.

“If you get to be too much I’ll just duct tape your mouth shut.”

“You wouldn’t dare.”

Leo didn’t respond, just made a clicking noise in the back of his throat. He sat on one end of the couch and CJ stretched out on the other end. Her feet crunched against his thigh and Leo took one, rubbing it absently.

“Uh, that feels wonderful.” Her back arched.

“When’s the last time you had a foot massage?” 

CJ shrugged. She really couldn’t remember and that was sad. It was definitely when Simon was alive but way before he died. It felt so good right now.

“Wow, you're good at this.”

“Just relax and focus on the movie.”

She did, and honestly it was one of the best times she watched the film. Spouting out lines, which Leo joined in a few times to make her laugh, they shared popcorn and CJ had the best foot massage of her life. Toward the middle of the film, right after Catherine was kidnapped, CJ made her way to Leo’s arms. They cuddled close and Leo wrapped his arms around her. He inhaled her scent, so familiar to him but not easy to place.

“You sleepy?” he asked.

“Nope.” Her cheek rested on his shoulder; her hand on his stomach.

Leo could only chuckle, she was probably exhausted. The massage only relaxed her more. She was just like any child who was tired, including her own…she could deny it until she fell asleep.

“C'mon CJ, you should get some sleep. We can finish this another time.”

“I'm fine.” She cuddled even closer. “My favorite part hasn’t come on yet.”

“You sure?” Leo asked.

“Mmm hmm. I'm not moving; you're so warm and cuddly.”

“I get that a lot.”

Leo got comfortable in his spot. It didn’t surprise him at all to realize after Hannibal Lecter escaped that he was watching the movie alone. CJ hadn't spouted out a line since the cannibal confronted the Senator. Leo glanced down at her and she was sound asleep. The hand that once rested on his chest was now plopped unceremoniously in his lap. Leo cleared his throat and shifted.

“C'mon CJ, the movie is over. C'mon, wake up.”

She moaned softly, moving closer to him but not waking.

“C'mon baby.” He whispered. “Its bedtime.”

This time she moaned his name but still slept. Leo took a deep breath, shaking her gently. CJ jumped a bit, looked at him as if she was surprised by his presence, and rubbed her eyes.

“What's happening?” she grumbled.

“The movie is over. You fell asleep.”

“Did I? Oh wow.”

CJ moved away from him on the couch. She stretched her arms high above her head and Leo turned away so he wouldn’t be looking too hard at her navel and torso.

“Well I am going to get out of here so you can get some sleep.” He said.

“Don’t go. Why don't you stay?”

“What?”

“I don’t like the idea of you walking home at this hour. There have been some robberies in the neighborhood over the past few weeks. Anyway, if you stay I can make breakfast in the morning. Well, you can make breakfast and I can make cappuccino.”

“I can get a cab home CJ; I promise to be safe. I’ll be back bright and early for breakfast. I promise.”

He stood up, stretched and headed for the door. He’d only gone a few steps when he realized he was alone. He turned to look at CJ.

“CJ?”

“Don’t leave me Leo…please.”

“I'm not. What's the matter?”

“Well I…its just that…”

“Uh uh, we are so past that stage. Talk to me.”

“I haven’t been sleeping at night. Its probably why I fell asleep during the movie. I just…” she sighed. “Lying here with you is the best sleep I've gotten in about 10 days. Maybe if you stay with me I won't spend the night staring at the shadows on the ceiling.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Leo asked, sitting beside her on the couch.

“Well you were away; you were working Leo. I didn’t want to bother you.”

“You never bother me CJ. Never, do you understand? I called you practically everyday and you said nothing.”

“I'm sorry.” She mumbled.

“Its OK, its nothing we’re going to get upset about. You need to get some sleep. Lets go.”

He took her hand and they went into the bedroom. Leo thought he might be shaking like a leaf on the inside but on the outside he was all confidence. CJ needed him, that’s all that mattered.

“I don’t have anything to sleep in.” he said.

CJ grabbed a tee shirt from her top drawer.

“Is that alright? You are wearing boxers, right?”

“Yes ma'am. Thank you.”

CJ excused herself to change into pajamas. Leo quickly undressed and slid into bed. CJ came back, getting in beside him. Leo smiled as she turned out the light.

“Goodnight Leo.” She moved into his arms and kissed his cheek.

“Goodnight. Sweet dreams.”

***

“I reached for you but you weren’t there.”

“I had trouble sleeping.”

“Is it the storm? Come back to bed and I’ll hold you. I’ll make you forget all about it.”

CJ gave him and a small smile but it quickly faded. 

“I need to talk to you.” She said.

“Come back to bed. We’ll talk.”

John held out his hand and CJ took it. In bed, he started to kiss her but CJ pushed him away.

“John, I need you to be serious for a minute.”

“I am. I seriously want to kiss you.” He laughed. “OK, OK, I'm listening. What's the matter?”

“This is um…its gotten crazy.”

“What?”

“Us. The papers, the press, photographers outside my condo. It makes my child uncomfortable.”

“I never intended for any of that to happen Claudia. You have to know that.”

“I do. But it did, and it is overwhelming. Everyone wants to know what we are.”

“Well, what are we?”

“John…”

“You never have to be afraid to talk to me. You have to know how I feel about you. I'm falling in love with you Claudia and I don’t care if the whole world knows.”

“John, how can you be in love with me? You don’t even know me?”

“Of course I do.”

“You don’t really.” She pulled away from him. “For example, you’ve never met my daughter. She is my world and if we were ever going to be anything…”

“Kids love me; I have two of my own. I think Livvie and I will be the best of friends.”

“Her name is Libby.”

“I'm sorry, Libby. You were the one who didn’t want to bring her into this. I never asked you to hide your child.”

“She is five years old…she doesn’t want this attention. I don’t…maybe there is nowhere else to take this. I am not ready to be a Senator’s girlfriend.”

“I care for you and want to be a part of your life. I wish you wouldn’t run away from me.”

“You are a wonderful man John. You're smart, ambitious, and handsome. I have fun with you, I really do.”

“Amazing attributes for a guy about to be dumped.”

“John…”

“Why don’t you say what you really want to say? I'm a big boy and I can take it.”

“I really don’t know what you mean.” She got up from the bed and started to look for her clothes.

“I'm not Leo McGarry.”

She stopped dead in her tracks. She stood in front of the bed holding her tee shirt against her half-naked frame.

“What does Leo have to do with this? How do you even know…?”

“I know a lot about a lot Claudia, even the tthings you don't say. The two of you spend a lot of time together and I'm sure I'm not the only one who notices. He probably knows Libby and I'm not ashamed to say I'm jealous of that.”

“Leo is my friend. There is nothing to be jealous of John. Whatever I have with him is not the reason I want to end this. I'm not ready to pursue something so serious or so public. How can I possibly get closer to you when there is always the press or politics between us? ”

“So are you telling me that you're not in love with Leo McGarry?”

“I'm not going to dignify that with a response. My relationship with Leo is none of your business. I'm going home.”

She threw on her jeans and tee shirt, slipped into her sandals.

“Goodnight John.”

She stormed out of the bedroom and he followed.

“Claudia! Claudia, wait!”

“What?”

“Don’t leave like this. Please.”

“You accuse me of loving another man and you expect me not to be mad?”

“I didn’t…” he sighed. “Fine, you want to end what we have. I accept that, but I cannot accept you storming out and never speaking to me again. That would hurt too much.”

“John, I never meant to hurt you. God, so much of this is my fault. I let it move too fast and ignored the feeling that I needed to step back. I should be apologizing to you.”

“Accepted.”

He took her into his arms and held her tight. He kissed her forehead.

“I’ll call you in a couple of days. We’ll make plans for lunch. Don’t worry about the press; I’ll make sure they back off.”

“Alright. Goodnight John.”

She took a deep breath and walked out of his apartment for the last time. She waited until she was safely in the cab to burst into tears.

***

“Mrs. Donovan, Leo McGarry is here.”

“Donald, why do you even bother to announce anymore? Just send him up.”

“Yes ma'am.”

CJ smiled, rushing into the kitchen. She lit the candles as Leo was knocking on the door. Pulling the door open she started to sing.

Happy Birthday to you  
Happy Birthday to you  
Happy Birthday dear Leopold  
Happy Birthday to you  
And many more!

“Oh my God, what have you done?”

“Get in here Mister.”

Leo walked in, following her into the kitchen.

“This is certainly unexpected.” He said.

“I bet. You thought you were just going to sneak by unnoticed. Make a wish and blow out the candles.”

“I truly appreciate that you didn’t put one candle on the cake for every year.”

“Just blow them out.”

She came to stand behind him, putting her hands on his shoulders. Leo closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and blew them out.

“What did you wish for?” CJ asked her breath warm in his ear.

“Well um…” he cleared his throat. “If I tell you it won't come true.”

“Oh, you're being a killjoy.”

“Sue me. Tell me how you knew it was my birthday.”

CJ grabbed a Coke from the refrigerator for Leo and a light beer for herself.

“Honestly?”

“That’s the only way I like it.”

“The one night you fell asleep on the couch you took your wallet out of your back pocket, remember?”

“Yeah.”

“I looked at your driver’s license.”

“Sneaky Claudia Jean.”

“I can't believe you thought I was just going to let this day pass…I have a plethora of delightful things planned.”

“You didn’t have to do this.” Leo said.

“Nope. I wanted to. Fifty is something to celebrate. Leo, you had some hard times. Today is all about you. So we start with 50 birthday kisses.”

Before he could object CJ was all over him. He loved the sound of his own ebullience…it had been so long since he heard it. They fell back on the couch and Leo tried to keep her at arm’s length while doing no such thing.

“CJ!” he shouted. “CJ, c’mon, cut it out.”

“48, 49, 50!” she quickly kissed his lips and then sat back on the couch.

Leo’s breathing returned to normal as he sat up on the couch and tried to push his hair back into place. He just started to laugh, shaking his head.

“Well that was interesting.” He said.

“It was only the beginning. Now your gift.”

“Do I have to get ready?”

CJ slapped his arm and laughed. She grabbed the box from the coffee table.

“Happy Birthday Leo.”

He took the box and pulled the top off. It was a Bulova watch, platinum with a discreet amount of diamonds.

“Oh CJ, this is lovely.”

“I wasn’t sure what to buy you. Some men are hard to shop for.”

“Its lovely, really. C’mere.”

She hugged him and Leo held her tight. CJ kissed his cheek.

“So, we got the kisses and present out of the way. There is more where that came from.”

“What have you got planned?” Leo asked. “I know that look in your eye and it usually means trouble.”

“I thought you liked trouble. We have plans; we better go.”

It was a gorgeous July afternoon. She dragged Leo out by both hands and into a cab. Down on the harbor they went on a boat ride around the city. There was a light lunch as they pointed out their favorite landmarks and secret spots. They ate hotdogs in Central Park walking through Strawberry Fields and comparing favorite Beatles songs. At the top of the Empire State Building, they danced to the music in their heads and discussed the beauty of the place in everything from An Affair to Remember to King Kong. They bickered about who was a sexier redhead, Susan Hayward or Rita Hayworth. Leo laughed when CJ bought him an I Love NY hat and tee shirt and made him put it on. She bought a knockoff Burberry bag in the East Village and they both thought it looked authentic.

“We should get back. Its starting to drizzle.”

Leo flagged a cab and they got in.

“What's with raining on my parade?” CJ asked as Leo gave the cabbie her address.

“Nothing could ruin today.” He replied. “It goes down in history as the best birthday ever and I have you to thank. Thank you CJ.”

“Don’t do that yet. The best hasn’t come.”

“How do you…?” Leo just shook his head as CJ smiled.

Back in her condo she grabbed a bag and handed it to him. Leo tore it open and could not contain his smile.

“Where did you find this?” he was holding in his hand a first edition paperback of the Anthology of Dylan Thomas.

“I am not going to reveal my sources. Do you like it?”

“That’s an understatement. You’ve done too much for me.”

“No, I haven’t.” she put her hands on his shoulders. “You deserve all of it Leo.”

Time seemed to stand still for a moment before CJ leaned in for a kiss. The current caused them both to jump back but soon they were kissing passionately. CJ moaned as Leo pulled her close and his tongue moved inside of her mouth. Then he pulled away as if he had been bitten.

“What the hell…we are not doing this.”

“Leo…”

“No way.” He backed up. “I'm not…you and John…”

“I need to talk to you about that.”

“No.” he shook his head. “No, you cannot have your cake and eat it too. I…”

“That’s not what I want Leo. I only want…”

“I have to get out of here. It was a lovely day but I have to leave.”

“Don’t. I wish you wouldn’t.”

“Goodbye.”

“Leo, please don’t go.”

He just rushed out, feeling disoriented and confused. He flagged away the doorman, who asked if he needed a cab. Leo just started walking though he had no idea where he was going. The rain was beating down but it didn’t matter; it was warm. It stung his eyes some but Leo wiped it away before pushing his hair off his forehead. 

He didn’t know how long he’s been walking or how far but when he looked up Leo was in front of McGinty’s Pub. Oh wow, how long had it been? Back in the bad old days, Leo used to close the place down. Talk about where everybody knows your name. He took a deep breath, grabbed the knob, and pulled the door open.

***

“Mommy?”

“Hmm?”

CJ looked up from her paperwork, pushing her glasses back from the bridge of her nose.

“What are you doing awake at this hour.”

“I can't sleep.”

“Why not? Don't you feel well?”

CJ picked her up into her lap; felt her forehead and her glands.

“I feel OK mommy. I just miss Leo.”

“What?”

“He promised to take me to see the ducks and explain how they glide. He’s been gone longer than a whole week. Where is he?”

“Sometimes Leo gets really busy with work. We talked about it remember?”

“Yeah, but he always calls us. He hasn’t even called.”

“Libby…”

“Can we call him mommy please? Please? I really miss him and I just want to say hello. Please mommy, I don’t want him to think we forgot about him.”

“OK, OK we’ll call.”

The joy she saw on her daughter’s face was indescribable. CJ put the phone on speaker, silently praying that he did not answer. It had been almost two weeks since his birthday and the kiss. He hadn't tried to call since he ran out on her and CJ didn’t either. She simply didn’t know what to say to him…didn’t know how to reconcile her own hurt.

‘You’ve reached Leo McGarry. Please leave a message.’

BEEP! “Hi Leo, its Libby. I miss you and want to know when you are going to take me to see the ducks. I'm trying to be patient but its hard. Come over soon; I made you two paintings and a necklace at camp. I miss you soooooooo much and mommy does too. Right mommy?”

“Terribly Leo.”

“See? We love you. Bye bye.”

CJ clicked the phone off and looked at her daughter.

“Libby?”

“Yeah?”

“Do you love Leo?” she asked.

“Of course I do. Don’t you mommy? He loves us too.”

“How do you know that?”

“He told me.”

“When?”

“Geez, I don’t know. When I told him. You’ve got a really funny look on your face. Do you have to burp?”

“No sweetie.” CJ laughed. “So you love Leo and he loves you?”

“Yes mommy. Leo is so wonderful.”

“He is?”

“Sure, you know that. He shows me stuff like how to make meatballs and churches with pretty glass. He answers all of my questions and makes me smile. It never feels like he has something better to do than be with us. When he reads to me, he does all the voices and he gives me piggyback rides even though he has a plastic kneecap. And he’s a real hero just like daddy was.”

“Yeah.” CJ replied, sighing. “C’mon, its time for bed.”

CJ and Libby walked into the little girl’s room holding hands. Libby climbed into bed.

“He’s going to come and see us, right mommy?”

“Just as soon as he can, I'm sure. He probably misses you too. Now I need you to go to sleep.”

She nodded, snuggling close to her Teddy bear. CJ kissed her and turned out the light. All night long she lingered in and out of sleep. Libby’s words stuck with her. ‘He’s a real hero, just like daddy was’. It made her cry and she cried herself into a fitful slumber.

***

“Nice of you to make up our lunch almost five months later.”

“I thought it was the least I could do.” Josh said.

“The very least.”

CJ and Josh sat in his office at the New York County Courthouse, sharing sandwiches and Cherry Coke. It was almost August and the weather turned stifling…New York City was in a heatwave.

“Donna tells me you guys were pretty busy with that mob trial about to start. I thought the Feds would have jumped on that.”

“Under normal circumstances, sure, but it was a case of mistaken identity. Anyway, it’s a stretch to call these yahoos real mobsters. I guess Donna told you the Republican proposed.”

“Yes, and she showed me the diamond. Cliff is a nice guy, party affiliation aside.”

“It’s a big ring. I thought those guys were fiscally stingy.”

“Josh, don’t be…”

“Hey, don’t you dare say jealous. I am 100%, in no way at all jealous.”

“I wasn’t implying…”

“I am 75%, in no way at all jealous.” He amended.

“That sounds closer to the truth.” CJ replied.

“I love that woman to death, you know. We have worked together and been friends a long time. She helped me through some real shit after that nutty bastard shot me. We’ve had our share of ups and downs. I just want her to be happy. I know all about thinking you're happy and being way off.”

Josh had been married for almost a decade, and divorced for three years. He and his ex-wife Amy were the parents of six-year-old twins Noah and Nathaniel.

“Donna and Cliff are a good balance, sort of like Simon and I. Hey, how is your boss?”

“You mean since you dumped him?”

“Joshua!”

“Sorry, sorry. He’s fine. He is a shoo-in for the nomination…has the DNC behind him. When he wins he wants me to go with him, be his Chief of Staff.”

“When he wins?”

“You of all people should be well aware of his confidence. This is just the beginning CJ…he’s eyeing the White House. Oh by the way, the papers have him linked to Susannah Sheridan.”

“The former Miss America?”

“The one and only.”

“Isn't she like 25?”

“Maybe.”

“Hmm.” CJ sipped her soda. “I hope she makes him happy.”

“She would make me happy.” Josh replied.

“Shut up.”

He smiled, the full one with the dimples that made CJ smile.

“Hey CJ, you're friends with Leo McGarry right?”

“Yeah.”

“Can I ask you something about him?”

“What?”

“You know he’s an alcoholic right? Well, recovering?”

“Yeah.”

“Well I was out a couple of weeks ago with Sam.”

“How is Sam?”

“Great. Engaged to be married and about to make partner at Gage Whitney. If I go to Washington I am dragging him with me…he’d be a great speechwriter. Anyway, we were in McGinty’s and Leo was at the bar.”

“What?”

“He had a drink in front of him but I don’t know what it was. You know how he is. I've known him a long time and I knew he didn’t want to have a conversation. Have you talked to him recently? I know you two are close and I wanted to check up on him.”

She had not and was too ashamed to tell Josh so. She chalked it up to them both being busy and promised Josh she would soon. The rest of the lunch was uneventful and she begged out early, promising to set up Libby in a play date when Josh had the twins. To her neverending gratitude CJ did not run into John Hoynes as she quickly rushed out of the building and grabbed a cab.

On the Upper East Side she bypassed Leo’s doorman with her familiar face and slightly seductive sweet talk. In the elevator, her heart pounded. She must have stood outside of his door for ten minutes because she had no idea what to do. What if he had fallen off the wagon…what if he was dead in there? She should have come sooner. What if he was drunk right now? This was all her fault and she would never forgive herself if the strides he made have been halted by her indecisiveness. 

She tried to take a deep breath, found it difficult to breathe. Knocking hard on the door, CJ waited. There was no response so she knocked again. Then again. Finally she banged, kicking the door in her anger and helplessness.

“Keep your shirt on! I'm coming!”

Leo threw the door open, his features softening when he saw CJ.

“What are you doing here?” he asked.

“Why didn’t you answer the door?” she countered his question with her own. She brushed past him and into the large condo.

“I was asleep CJ. Is that illegal now?”

“Where have you been?”

“Stop asking me so many questions…I just woke up. I am not in the mood to be interrogated.”

They were both quiet for a while, looking but not looking at each other.

“CJ…”

“Where have you been? Libby…we missed you.”

“I went to Manchester. I have a friend there and when I'm at my wit’s end he’s where I go. I got back yesterday and heard Libby’s message. I thought I would call this evening after I made some sense of things.”

“What about me?”

“I need to apologize for how I acted on my birthday.”

“No, I need to. Leo, I don’t want you to think…”

“I don’t want you to think that I will play second string quarterback to John Hoynes.”

“That is not what I want…you know me better than that. I'm not even seeing him anymore. We went out for a while and the press ran with it. John just let them and that wasn’t what I wanted. He wasn’t what I wanted.”

“When did you stop seeing him?” Leo asked. “Why didn’t you tell me? Why were you holding everything about him like a deep dark secret; I hated that?”

“Way before your birthday. I should have told you but I never wanted to talk about him when we’re together.”

“CJ, I…”

“I love you Leo. No um, I'm in love with you. It makes my stomach flutter and my knees weak. It makes me dizzy, and giddy, and beautiful. When I'm with you I'm in rapture, and when I'm not you're on my mind. My daughter loves you and she misses you so much. When you walked out it broke my heart because I know you don’t feel the same way I do, but I'm sorry if…”

“Wait, stop.”

“No.” CJ shook her head as the tears fell. “I need to say this.”

“You don’t need to say anything else.”

“Leo…”

“Shh.” He kissed her. “I love you Claudia Jean. God, I love you so much.”

“What? Then why did you walk out on me?”

“I thought you loved him. I thought you loved John Hoynes and it tore me up inside.”

“I don’t; I never did. Why would I kiss you if I did? When I was with him I was always thinking of you and I don’t care how awful that makes me sound. I wanted to tell you but I was afraid it would ruin what we have. I was afraid I was projecting something onto you. I was afraid of everything.”

“You don’t have to be afraid anymore.”

They kissed, hungrily feeling the need they had for each other the past few months or even longer. She didn’t know how they even made it into the bedroom…CJ never felt like she moved. It was so comfortable being with him, as he undressed her and touched her she was finally able to call out his name as her mind had been doing for weeks.

“Oh CJ, you're more beautiful than I imagined.”

“I love you Leo.”

“I love you too.”

“Make love to me.”

She held tight to him as he drove her to the edge of her sanity. He was strong and masculine; yet soft and sensual in the way he touched her. He stroked her skin and she bit her lip. He had only kissed her breasts, touched between her thighs when she first started to shudder. A feeling came over CJ that hadn't in so long and she had a mini-orgasm. It made them both laugh. Leo laughed all the way down her stomach, across her navel; his nose brushed her most intimate places. CJ arched her back, calling out his name as he took her there with his tongue, with his fingers. 

She hadn't felt something so powerful in so long; she’d almost forgotten. It felt magnificent to rise and fall as if on a roller coaster. To feel your heartbeat accelerate and your breathing almost stop. It was perfect and she didn’t mind screaming to let him know just that. When he was finally inside her, CJ bucked her hips to meet his thrusts; felt as if she were flying. They were talking to each other; saying how good it was, how long they wanted it. There was that delicious moment for her when the Neil Diamond songs ran through her head and she climaxed with a man for the first time in years.

“Leo! Oh my God!”

“Claudia Jean!”

He collapsed on top of her; they were both breathing hard. CJ held onto his hips so he wouldn’t move but Leo was in no rush to go. He preferred to kiss her until they were out of breath. Then he kissed her again. Their laughter seemed involuntary, as if every piston in their brain was firing; every nerve sizzled.

“Wow.” She whispered. “Mmm, that was…”

“Perfect.” They said in unison.

Leo kissed her all over, CJ moaned and the feelings overwhelmed her. He slid under the covers and again brought her to climax. He loved the way she groaned his name, arched her back, gripped the sheets, and cried her pleasure. She was so sensitive and he knew he would easily fall in love with her skin.

When it was over they lay there is silence, both staring at the ceiling and trying to come down from the euphoria. Holding hands as the mid-afternoon light crept through the mostly closed blinds.

“Oh my God!”

“What?”

As Leo moved onto the bed CJ sat straight up. He pulled her close and she didn’t move, instead melting against him.

“You were in a pub.” She said.

“What?”

“You were at McGinty’s. Josh Lyman saw you there the night you left my apartment.”

“I was there.”

“Did you drink? Did you fall off the wagon Leo? Did I…?”

“Stop." he put his finger on her lips. "I did not drink. I had a few sodas and talked with some old friends. It was one of my old haunts, but you knew that. The thought of a nice scotch entered my mind but I wouldn’t do it. I have too much to lose.”

“You're not going to lose me. I'm never going anywhere.”

“Say that again Claudia Jean.”

“I'm never, ever going anywhere. I love you.”

He grinned and kissed her.

“There is the grin I wanted and its ahead of schedule.”

“I am going to make love to you again. How does that sound?”

“Heavenly.”

“Then we’re going to call Libby because she and I have a date with some ducks. I don’t want to let her down.”

“That’s impossible. She thinks you’re a hero.” CJ straddled him, running her hands down his chest. “So do I, as a matter of fact.”

***

Paige Isabel Ziegler came into the world at a very healthy eight pounds, twelve ounces. CJ held her godchild, smiling as the little pink bundle looked up at her with hazel eyes. She had Nora’s eyes. She had Toby’s ears, his lips, and Nora’s nose. Paige was the perfect combination of their love and affection for each other. She reluctantly returned her to her mother. Nora held her close, unable to wipe the smile from her face. She had been wearing that smile since Paige came home from the hospital three days ago. Her health and happiness eclipsed the fear of her early arrival.

“I wish she were a bit more active.” Nora said.

“You won't be saying that a year from now when her walker is terrorizing the living room and no lamp is safe. I remember Libby at that age. She fascinated Simon. He was afraid he would break her for the first few months.”

“Toby feels the same way. He could hardly stand to leave the nursery last night.”

“A baby is a beautiful thing. She’s beautiful Nora.”

“Yeah. OK, enough about me. How are you?”

“I'm good.” CJ smiled. “Looking forward to taking Libby on vacation at the end of the month. She is so excited for Disney World I can hardly get her to sleep at night.”

“Maybe she’s tired of listening to you and Leo have sex.”

“Oh my God! Shut up!” CJ covered her eyes. “We try really hard to be quiet.”

They both laughed. CJ sipped her wine as Nora excused herself to put the baby down. She came back and poured herself a half-glass of wine. She really missed being able to have some when she was pregnant.

“You're glowing.” Nora said.

“So are you.”

“For a completely different reason…I am so not getting any right now. I have not seen that look on you in a long time and I have to tell you it’s wonderful.”

“I feel great. I never thought I would find this feeling again. So many people said I would but how many truly find it even once. I mean on the outside do Leo and I look like we have anything in common?”

“Toby and I certainly don’t. To hell with the outside. If you recall there were plenty of skeptics when we first decided to make a go. Toby himself didn’t even think it would work.”

“Well, he’s dumb.” CJ replied.

“Yeah.” Nora laughed. “Sometimes he is. The man has a large mind but his brain can be so small sometimes. I'm glad I convinced him to stop thinking and let go.”

“Me too. I'm glad I stopped thinking and let go. Sometimes you have to jump and just see where you land.”

“Usually it’s flat on your face but I take comfort in knowing that most people land that way. The landing is unimportant; it’s the fall that makes it all worthwhile.”

“Don’t they also say it’s the fall that’s gonna kill you? Oh well. Hey, what time is it?”

“Almost five. You have plans tonight?” Nora asked.

“I'm doing a night in with Leo and Libby. They're making dinner.”

“Sounds nice.”

“Yeah. Then we’ll watch Fantasia for the millionth time and put Libby to bed.”

“And then the adult show begins.”

“You have a one-track mind Ziegler.” CJ replied, laughing. “How come I never noticed that before?”

“I have no idea. Its pretty much been that way since the day we met.”

They laughed again and clinked glasses. They were both where they wanted to be, with the men they wanted to be with, and damn if it didn’t feel good.

***

“Hey baby, can't sleep?”

Leo stepped out onto the balcony, sliding his arms around CJ’s waist. She held him close, breathing a sigh as she caressed his hands with her own.

“Just a touch of insomnia. What's your excuse?”

“I find it difficult to sleep anymore without you in my arms.”

Her smile lit the night sky better than the moon. Leo kissed the nape of her neck. They were in Orlando for the second day and after a day of rainstorms, Libby finally conquered Disney World. There was food, rides, photos; she dragged CJ and Leo around the extensive park until they were ready to collapse. It was no wonder he called her Supergirl…she was a bundle of nerves and energy. It amazed CJ to watch her go full speed as Leo kept up with her and encouraged her to keep running.

“Do you know what tomorrow is?” CJ asked.

“August 28th I believe.”

Laughing, CJ turned in his arms. She stroked his cheek.

“I love you Leo McGarry.”

“I love you too, and today is the 28th actually.”

“What time is it?”

“Take my word for it.”

“I do. Why are you grinning?”

“What? Aren't I supposed to be? Wasn’t that the deal?”

“God, is it possible for six months to be so…mind blowing? I never thought when I sat down in that coffee house with you that I would make it. I never thought I would thrive.”

“I knew you would. That’s why I posed the challenge in the first place. I also had a big crush on you and wanted to know you better. I hope you don’t hold that against me.”

“Never.” She shook her head. “So, you know me now. What do you think?”

“I think you're magical. You are all the adjectives invented and plenty that have not come to be. In fact, there are two words I would love to use to describe you but I don’t if it’s appropriate.”

“Ooh, inappropriate. I'm all ears.”

“How do you like the sound of Mrs. McGarry?”

CJ gasped and Leo felt the grip on his shoulders tighten. Her mouth was slightly open; her blue eyes wide in surprise. He didn’t speak because there was nothing else to say. He stated his intentions and would give her time to process them.

“Leo I…oh my God.”

“I know it’s a lot and you don’t have to answer right now. I just needed to say it.”

“I love you and Mrs. McGarry sounds beautiful.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.” She started to cry. “Oh my God.”

She kissed him and held him closer.

"Remember when I said I should have known you were Irish?"

"Yeah. I'm still wondering what that meant."

"The three men I have ever been in love with in my life have all been Irish men. And you were not the only one who had a bit of a crush. I wasn't even sure what it was then." she colored a bit, embarrassed by her confession.

"God, I love you." the kiss he gave her nearly sent CJ to her knees.

“Libby is going to be so excited." she said. "God, I think she may be more excited than me.”

“Actually…”

“What?” CJ asked.

“Libby helped me pick out the ring.”

“She knows? Leo, do you think that was a good idea?”

“I was talking to her; trying to gauge if I should even do this. I thought it might be too soon for everyone involved. She was the one who said if I wanted to marry mommy I needed a pretty ring. Your little girl is a genius.”

“I can't dispute that. Did you mention a ring?”

“I did. It’s waiting for you in the bedroom. If you would kindly join me there I can do this right.”

“You did it perfectly, and I'm going to the bedroom with you anyway.”

He kissed her with vigor, running his fingers through her hair as she moaned against him. The passion was so raw between the two of them…Leo wondered if it always would be. Any room they were in together was combustible, and it was about so much more than sex. Though the sex blew his mind. CJ reminded him of things he’d long forgotten and vice-versa. And then there was Libby. He loved that little girl so much and would be proud to be her father.

“I wish I could carry you Claudia Jean. You deserved to be carried.”

“Leo, you have no idea, do you? My feet haven’t touched the ground in months.”

***


End file.
